Out of breath

It is coming again,

The shortness in breath,

The need to breathe more,

Gasping when it is not enough,

Wondering if I would die,

Out of breath.

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Sometimes

Sometimes it is good and you are able to talk

Sometimes it is bad and all you can do is stare at nothing

Sometimes you hurt so you cry deep inside

Sometimes you feel the possibilities that you perk up

Sometimes you listen to the same song repeatedly

Sometimes you wonder whether you will wake up

Sometimes you wish the day move faster

Sometimes you worry no one knows you

Sometimes you simply want to be alone

Sometimes it is pleasant to talk to someone

Sometimes the earning to talk more persists

Sometimes books save you from drowning

Sometimes reading disappears and fear takes hold

Sometimes anger dominates your life

Sometimes numbness takes over

Sometimes …

Sometimes you wish for death

Sometimes you pray for life.

Emotionless

I have not yet lived

Not by the social standards

No marriage; no children

Alas, no next generation of family

 

No interest in the living

Stumbling along my life

Trudging slowly with pain

Deep in my heart where it hurts

Unknown to others

It shatters slowly

Bleeding all within

Slowly growing into tumor

Of sadness

Letting go

You were there always

At the end of the day

I look at you before I go sleep

I did not know you were changing

I always thought you were funny

Even it cost another their pride

Pinching penny was not that hard

But pinching my heart,

It hurt slowly and for a very long time

I asked myself what wrong I did

You left me bitter and angry

No penny to own, no roof to claim my own

For a very long time I didn’t realize

When I realized the truth

That the mistake was not mine

I let go of you from my life and my memory

You did not know how to be a father

Now, I rather not be your child.

My past was with you; inseparable and interconnected

But my present and my future is mine alone

From now on, you cease to exist in it.

 

Pain

chronic-pain-arthritis

 

It came suddenly,

Fast and intense,

Piercing through the armor,

Deep into the heart,

And beyond,

So intense that it needed a breath,

Once, twice, and again,

Reddened the face,

Dampened the eyes,

Helpless, I surrendered to it.

Sadness

Sadness is grey,

For it does not exist without black and white,

Always in between them, a forgotten color,

It fades in light, hides in dark,

Alas still existing,

Regretting choices, mistaking gestures,

It creates more confusion,

A sore point in life,

Aching with needs so basic to a life,

Unable to get out of the greyness of one’s life.

Another day

Another day another time. Still have that pinching feeling right between the breasts.

I’m depressed. I put a name for it, finally. I think I need help. But then again I don’t want to talk. What to say to them about it? Surely they will ask “why”. Unfortunately, I myself have no answer to that. I don’t know why I’m feeling sadness so deep that I cry sometimes. I don’t start sobbing or crying laud. Just deep rush of emotion swells up the tears and it rolls away. I wipe them away and do something. When did I start to feel this sadness? I’m not sure. Few months ready. I wasn’t noticing it. One day suddenly I realized I’m not talking normally or laughing genuinely. I was behaving in way people might want me to react to certain situation.

I should ask for help but I don’t know who to talk. The moment I came up with a name I reject it because they have their own problems to solve. I don’t want to burden them. My family will be a better choice but I don’t want them to know that I feel bad, so bad about myself that I don’t think I deserve their love.

another I lost weight. That was my first clue that something happening to me. normally when I lose weight it will due to some malady. I eat normally, three times a day. But I realized I wasn’t taking all my meals. I was skipping them. My first instinct was I thought it was because of the time and increased expenses. Food price hiked up at my workplace. So I thought I’m eating less to avoid spending more. But when I lost nearly 4kg and I actually saw the thinness of my hand, I know something was off. Still I didn’t understand but know I know what it is. I am sad. For no reason that I could give. But my life has changed in the past few months that I don’t know the old me anymore.